Forgive the Unforgiven

26. Forgive the unforgiven and let go of the things I can not change - May 18, 2008

Forgive the unforgiven. This is probably the hardest thing I will have to do this year. I have been convinced at some points that I will not be able to do it. However, the goal of this year is to change the things I can change and hopefully get past the things I can’t. I am seriously hoping that this rant I am about to go on will at least supply me with the closure I need to move on. Note that I will be referring to specific cases, though I will not be using names or anything that will single out the individuals, out of what little respect I have left for each one of these people. This installment is just the ravings of a very turned-around upside-down twenty-two year old, who does not currently have any other means to digest these situations. You do not need to read any further if you do not wish.

Before I begin, I am actually going to give you my conclusion. I know, its backwards but I think it’s important that it be said I am the common flaw in all these cases. I know that these things would not happen to me if I would stand up for myself and not allow people to think they can treat me as such. With that said, I am making myself identify my common threads in each case so as not to unweave the structure of my relationship hence forth.

I have watch a lot of people go this year, people who have meant a lot to me. One by one, each has failed me in various ways and they have become increasingly more difficult for me to cope with. Though I am aware of my participation in each case, it does not lessen the pain of losing such remarkable family and friends.

All the same, my tribute to their memories:

Most recently, I found out my cousin was arrested, for a slue of things I won’t even begin to mention. It was numbing when I found out. One of the toughest things is watching someone you love dissolve into absolutely nothing. I have been powerless for years, my naïve efforts to help him left me broke, in more ways than one. Hard to imagine it is the same boy who used to ride his bike to my house Sunday mornings when our parents weren’t home and I would make him pancakes. He is my brother, my best friend, my reminder that love isn’t always enough.

I have yet another family member who has also crushed my family into pieces. Her story is way to complex and too personal to give here. If anything needs to be said here it should be that fact that I know that I will always love my family (they get a little more effort than everyone else) but even family doesn’t have endless amounts of support to give, not when one repeatedly abuses those who are trying. We have nothing left to give you but a tear each time you swing a blow at us. The end has drawn near.

Another was a friend I had known for years, since high school. We met one summer working at the same place and after a couple years (and much debate), we began dating. It was a long distance relationship that possibly could have worked with some honest effort. Long story short, I was every bit as faithful and dedicated to our relationship as one should be, and after randomly disappearing for several months without talking to me, I agreed to give him another chance and we remained just friends. Months after forgiving him, and possibly hoping that we would try dating again, I found out he had been dating his ex the entire time we were together and possibly dating yet another. Worse yet, his ex and I confronted him one day. He denied my entire relationship with him, claiming I was crazy and he felt sorry for me if I had thought we were dating. I was devastated, to say the least. After several months of writing, sending gifts, phone calls… waiting and waiting for him to come home… and many years of friendship, he wiped out everything we had in a matter of seconds. I would have thought more of him if he had just admitted to it. At least he would have behaved like a real man. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. Many people have hurt me along the way but this one, this one in particular, hurt me the most. I never saw it coming, he was the last person I expected to treat me like worthless shit. Someone I considered one of my very best friends, someone who I thought I would marry, someone whom I confided in with the worst that others had done to me, turned around and violently stabbed me... showing no remorse. Never even tried to repair the damage... not that he really could now. I hate him, for being so petty, selfish and an out-right liar and cheat. We will never, ever speak again.

One of my favorites was a guy I met at another job. He was sincerely the most amazing man I have meet in a long time. He had a permanent smile and a pleasantness that made you feel so warm. He was selfless and a wonderful person to have a conversation with. He introduced me to a new culture and new ideals. He was the first in a very long time to completely get me. Unfortunately, I only knew him for a short time. He moved away to pursue his career. Somehow, we lost touch. I have tried countless time to get in contact with him, but I fear he prefers the silence. He gave me a wonderful gift before he left though; an iPod loaded with tons of music he had shared with me and the faith that there are a few men out there who are genuinely gentlemen.

Same job, different guy, typical bullshit. He is the guy who spends so much time telling you how much he cares about you and the second it gets tough, he is nowhere to be found. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good guy and he means well. He has done a lot for me over the past year or so. Though his sense of humor is rather annoying at times, he always took the time to cheer me up on my worst days and take me out to lunch on the good ones. Somewhere down the line there was a circumstance when I needed him more than ever and he disappeared. It was hard for me to get there, but I understood why he had done it and despite advice of the few that knew, I believed he deserved another chance. But his affection for me eventually faded, I noticed our time together gradually faded with it. I saw him increasingly less and the belief that our friendship was based on purely on surface attraction felt increasingly more evident. His consistency to be inconsistent had worn me thin and sure enough, I just stopped hearing from him one day. I am of the belief his current romantic relationship disapproves of someone like me so I expected it would happen at some point. Just wish I’d been given a proper “goodbye.”

The list goes on and on. Relationships that end without a word and apparently I seem to be the only one who notices. I wish there was some way to mend these wounds. Endless effort seems futile. So I am sorry that I gave up. I’m sorry you did too.